Toughts and Feelings and Shit

Nudnik was found! I told my sister to relax and get back to her normal life, not sit there and wring her hands over his whereabouts. So she did. She turned on the AC and prepared for an afternoon of relaxation. The AC wasn't working, so she checked the filter under the house. And there he was, all covered in dirt and kinda hungry and scared. But alive. So I was right, and I am best.

Also, while getting towels out of her dryer, she apparently felt a slight popping sensation in her ear, and saw a little stone fall out, followed by a tiny fly. That was still alive. weird, no?

I dont know why, but every time I start a new job, I find myself re-reading some of the work of Daniel Quinn. It's not a conscious decision, it just kinda happens. When trying to justify why, I've come up with the following suggestions:

- I'm a cancer. So I tend to be very withdrawn and quiet at first, and after a while, become very outspoken and loud. But in those first few weeks, I'll crawl into my shell and read a lot.

- Usually when I start a new job, it's because I've grown fed up with call-centre work, and have decided to dull the pain by moving to another call centre. I don't know what bad circuitry in my head is responsible for calculating that conclusion, but it would explain why I head for the books of Daniel Quinn, which answers a lot of questions for the directionless.

I guess I'll attempt to explain what Quinn discusses in his books. If you wanna check them out, start with Ishmael and proceed to My Ishmael. Then read Beyond Civilization: Humanity's next great adventure. These are the essential ones- the others I find superfluous.

The fundamental rule behind Quinn's philosophy is this: There is no one right way for people to live.

Beyond that, Quinn tries to frame this innocuous looking idea in the following context.

- For 3 million years, humanity lived by that rule. We lived in ethnic tribes, each of which had a set of rules that worked for the tribe. The rules of that tribe were incompatible with other tribes. But not by design. They just were. It never would have occured to anyone to make a set of rules that were adaptable for everyone.

- In this context humanity, though more intelligent than other species, were not especially harmful. They were as harmless as sharks, tarantulas, bluebirds and caterpillars. They left the running of the world in the hands of the Gods, so for arguments sake, let's call these people Leavers.

- Around 9000 years ago, one particular tribe made a massive change. They decided to rely on agriculture as their sole means of obtaining food\

Now, this is where it gets a bit more complex. So far, nothing groundbreaking- humans lived in tribes, then they 'discovered' agriculture. This is widely known.

But actually, limited agriculture had been practiced long before that. It would have been a supplement to hunting and gathering, scavenging and foraging. It certainly wasn't desirable. Why? Because. It's fucking hard, that's why. People didn't live to work- they worked to live. And the only thing we're actually slaves to is hunger, right? so why work when not hungry?

People didn't. They hunted when they were hungry. They picked fruit from a tree...when they were hungry. No fruit today? Try some grubs. Whatever. Food is food. Absolutely no food for me? Okay. Today is the day I become food.

HA! There's the kicker. The Leavers left the decision as to who was to be food in the hands of the Gods. If it was going to be them, so be it. Oh, they'd fight for it, but they didn't try to fundamentally change the way the world works.

Agriculture DOES try to fundamentally change the way the world works.

Devoted agriculture, as a full-time pursuit, is pretty bloodthirsty and unnatural. Don't think so? Go into an unfarmed portion of the world (if you can find one) and find me an apple orchard. A field with only apple trees. Won't happen.

And it's bloodthirsty. Don't think so? Alright, I'm hungry. I kill a sheep. One sheep. But grow me a field of corn, and I gotta kill off pests, including whole ecosystems of insects, not to mention voles, varmints, rabbits, field mice, etc...

So, agriculture is saying "we're gonna take the decision as to who will or won't be food out of the hands of the gods. We'll create our own rules for the world, to the exclusion of others. We will decide who lives and who dies".

Brutal, no?

Of course, agriculture meant more food. which means more people. People are made out of food. No? What, you think you're made out of silicon?

Okay, so more people. and food surplus. what to do with the surplus? Well, let's store it. Okay, Now we need someone to store it. These are the middle men, the priests and kings and governments. They safeguard the food, while we slave away, making more food, to make more people.

From there, it doesn't take a great deal of extrapolation to see how our civilization came about. It's main defining features, and the cornerstone of it's success in dominating the globe, are the following rules:

1. Food is under lock and key.

2. There is only one right way for people to live, and this is it.

So what's the point of all of this, even if it seems like a reasonable assessment? The point is, our current way is not sustainable. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just not going to work. Sure, it's worked for 9 millenia, but that's pretty small in comparison to the 3 million years that tribalism served us. And we're facing total destruction, at least according to...well, everyone. In fact, we're enamored with death. We're gagging for it.

Most people, from here, get scared and assume Quinn is proposing we return to hardscrabble hunting and gathering. He doesn't. He advocates that civilization is unsustainable, and we need to move into something new, not back into something old. And not all of us should or could do this. Just the ones for whom civilization is kinda sucky. The ones who have to keep buying shiny toys to dull the pain of having little to no actual satisfaction and joy in their lives.

Think about it: how many shiny toys out there simply look to simulate human action and interaction that's already free? Hint: all of them. Cars? They simulate walking. Phones? They simulate talking. Computers? They simulate thinking. iPods? They simulate singing.

Anywho, it gets deeper and deeper, and it's sometimes a real joy to read, especially for those (like myself) who feel that something isn't quite right. But I wouldn't try to read it if you're not ready for it. His writings never make any hard and fast, black and white staetements, and nothing he says is particularly inflammatory. But if you find yourself arguing with every little thing, then it's probably not for you.

Feeling Good

Dad went in for gall bladder surgery yesterday. He's up now, doing well. Praise be to Allah, or what-have-you. I went and visited him last night, where I found out the following:

1. My mom is really horrible. She had been caught in the hospital toilets earlier that day, smoking. On the other hand, it was her 60th birthday yesterday, and she was at the Alfred waiting for her husband to get out of surgery. I'd cut her some slack, but this is hardly an isolated incident.

2. My sister and her fiancee lost their cat a few weeks ago. We're all pretty upset about it. Riley was one of a pair of kittens my Mom took in. Riley went to my brother and I, but I was allergic. So Riley went and lived with Ilan and Jamie, who loved him very much. After he went missing, Mom gave Ilan and Jamie his brother, Nudnik. They'd had him for two days, when one of Ilan's idiot friends left the door open and he escaped. So now that's 2 cats that have gone missing for my sister. Not happy fun times. Also, Nudnik was legitimitely addicted to cigarettes. It sounds kinda cute, and it was for a while- we'd see him at my parents place, knocking over packets of smokes and feasting on the innards. Then we realized- he's been playing with and eating butts from ashtrays, and now he's addicted. Fuck.

3. My legs are getting better.

I had my first Omega Team meeting for quite a while yesterday. We basically all agreed that the project is in limbo, but no-one was too upset about it. We're gonna revisit the project in March/April.

I've been working on Estherella, the Purim spiel I'm writing. I'm actually enjoying it. It'll be accompanied by musical cues, sound effects and powerpoint slides, which is a medium that I think has a lot of potential. I've seen Dave Gorman pull it off well, and the photoshop stuff they do on The Daily Show and Late Night with Conan O'Brien is similar. If this goes well, I wanna start writing some more stage stuff in this medium...

Walking? Fuhgeddaboutit

BJJ takes it's toll. On Friday night, we were asked to do walking lunges around the studio. 300, to be exact. Then, we had to fireman-lift a colleague and carry him 10 times, back and forth, across the studio. Then, 5 x 8 minute rounds of wrestling.

I can't walk. Not an exaggeration. My quads are in a permanent state of being flexed, and walking down stairs is taking forever. I can't lift my leg to a 90 degree angle. It's so. Bloody. Sore.

I'm not too worried, because chances are it's just a bad case of D.O.M.S (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness). But that was Friday, and it's now Monday, and if anything, it's getting worse. If it hasn't started to go away in the next 48 hours, I might have to see a doctor.

Parents, don't let your children do 300 lunges.

Ruminations, etc.

I did away with news from The Economist. Because it was a stupid idea.

Anyway, I've been listening to a series of lectures on analyzing the 20th century. One particular subject has stuck in my craw and given me cause to ponder. That is, that after the war the ideas of Sigmund Freud became so popular. Particularly his notion that as mankind becomes ever more "enlightened" and "civilized", what he is in effect doing is suppressing his more animal instincts, creating more pressure, and more chance of a violent explosion. Which was useful in explaining how enlightened Europe erupted in bloodshed that would put modern day sub-Saharan Africa to shame.

I notice that these days, even psychoanalysts downplay Freud. Which is fine. It's always good for a new generation to break away from venerating the old. But the idea, I think, is sound- the more peaceful and tame we become, the more our animal instincts become twisted, violent and fetishized. A gun is a tool, but because they're so taboo, they become irrationally precious to some people. Things like that. I'm not sure exactly how to articulate this idea better.

Hrmm. Let's use sex, because who doesn't like to talk about sex? Ok, so let's say that within most men is a natural urge to dominate in sex. This transcends physicality, education and sexual preference.

Ok, so we sublimate that urge, by making it taboo, and insisting that men should suppress their urge to, well, hump everything. So pressure builds up, and explodes into the current sexual landscape- full of anti-social behaviour and oodles upon oodles of porn.

I dunno. i think it's an idea that doesn't need much proving. It seems quite self evident to me- that civilization seeks to suppress our more embarassing, but nevertheless ever-present instincts- and trades them off for a greater level of peace and quiet. However, it also trades off a useful release valve for some of the potentially harmful instincts, so that they get pushed down, and allowed to morph and change into anti-social behaviour.

Eh. too much thinking. Time to look at some porn.

Woe

Not feeling 1000% at the moment. Hasn't been a great start to the New Year. Here's a brief list of little niggling troubles.

1. Money. I'm about $8000 in the hole right now. I'll be out in a few months, but it just sucks right now. I'm behind on my rent.

2. Half of my house is in darkness. A fuse blew, leaving the half of my place with no lights. I can vaguely remember how to replace a fuse, but I want more than vague notions when dealing with volts.

3. I'm sore. From the Jiu Jitsu. I know this is a precursor to a positive thing, namely, getting in better shape. But still. I just sneezed, and my body seized up in agony. I'm not even farting quite right.

4. I have to start working on this Purim thing very soon, and I haven't a damn clue what I'm doing. I have a feeling the whole thing could end up being an enormous clusterfuck.

5. I was invited to dinner at my mother's next week, for her birthday. I haven't seen much of my folks for a few months now, and I'm not thrilled about seeing them at all. I've run out of patience with them, and it concerns me that that doesn't concern me.

And that's about it. So now the positive.

1. Things going well with Lana.

2. My house is very clean. Everything nice and tidy.

3. Working internet connection.

People have had worse. But that never exactly makes it ok, does it? Knowing that your situation, your troubles, are immaterial when sized up against the troubles of the rest of the world. I mean, my troubles are still enough to have me up at 3 am, unable to sleep (also, the heat).

Joey Jo Jo

On January 2nd, 2007, my very beloved friends Nadia and Ben brought a baby human into the world. Josephine Toukhsati Sullivan is a very healthy, 8 lb. baby. She's very cute. Not like, hot, but cute. Ma and Pa are doing well.

Nadia's my first close friend to have a kid. I was very nervous when we visited at the hospital, as I'm never sure what to say in situations as emotional as these. I always feel it my prerogative to talk as much as I possibly can. So I was riffing like Joe Piscopo the entire time, which must have been supremely grating to all around me. I wish I was a calmer soul. I even brought up the fact that I had taken up Jiu Jitsu. Why? Fucking, WHHHHYYY? WHO CARES? THERE'S A CLOSE FRIEND WITH BABY RIGHT HERE!

To bring it back to fekakte Jiu Jitsu again...last night Little Jake (the Jake who got me into it, not to be confused with Big Jake, another mate who also happens to be into wrestling) told me that I was very strong, and had good "explosive power". But he was quick to add that this was bad, very bad, as I might get a reputation for being aggressive, where I should be taking it very slow and working on technique. Being strong is a double edged sword- it gets you out of some less serious jams, but when you come up against someone who can counter it, it's just a good way to get all worked up and waste a lot of energy.

It did not take me long to apply this advice to my personal life.

I always come out of the gate quick. I'm always immediately in with the jokes, the energy, the chutzpah. And It's gotten me nowhere. I need to literally slow down. I need to breathe, and relax, and survey the terrain before proceeding- not just barrel in and rely on a sturdy back foot to get me out of trouble.

Fingers...hurting

Just came back from my second ever training session with the Jiu Jitsu. Holy cum. I nearly blacked out at one point.

I've fainted once. It was about 2 years ago. I was doing boxing at the time (no competition, just for fitness) and after one particularly intense session, passed out while paying for the class. That was bad. I woke up a few minutes later, with paramedics around me.

I've been working out, on and off, for years now. I generally go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, and try to go hard- running, deep knee bends, weights, that sort of thing. But I never once had that feeling like I was going to pass out.

I had that feeling tonight.

After rolling around for 15 minutes or so with a guy about my size, I stood up and almost barfed. I walked around for a few seconds, before sitting and feeling the room spin. 10 minutes later, I was okay to go again. This time, I rolled with a guy about 7 feet tall (not an exaggeration) and about 100 kilos. He had me pinned within 30 seconds most of the time. He pulled this one move on me called a triangle hold- basically, he puts one leg around my neck, the other under my arm, and pulls my arm in across my throat to fucking kill me. That sucked in all sorts of ways.

The main thing that hurts is my fingertips. Gripping a Gi (or kimono, si vous prefere) hurts. I have to stop biting my nails, because it weakens them.

So I'm going back tomorrow night...